Not Quite a Blog

Trigger warning: Uneducated male writing about feminist issues.

Trigger warning: This post is on Tumblr.

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Sometimes I hear my non-Greek female friends talk about men in fraternities being rapists, or even more likely to rape than the typical person. This has always made me uncomfortable, even if it is technically true. I always feel tempted to say “But not all Greek men are like that”, a variation on the clichéd Not All Men Are Like That you hear in feminist circles.

Of course, this type of derailment is appropriately rejected for reasons Vox explains well, which is why I say it in my head and not in real life.

…But I’m still uncomfortable.  I know it’s not all about me, but it’s how I feel as a participant in the discussion.  I feel uncomfortable and now I understand why.

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Scott Alexander writes (read the entire article if you have time):

I suggested imagining yourself in the shoes of a Jew in czarist Russia. The big news story is about a Jewish man who killed a Christian child. As far as you can tell the story is true. It’s just disappointing that everyone who tells it is describing it as “A Jew killed a Christian kid today”. You don’t want to make a big deal over this, because no one is saying anything objectionable like “And so all Jews are evil”. Besides you’d hate to inject identity politics into this obvious tragedy. It just sort of makes you uncomfortable.

Also…

[S]uppose the atheist posts on Tumblr: “I hate religious people who are rabidly certain that the world was created in seven days or that all their enemies will burn in Hell, and try to justify it through ‘faith’. You know, the sort of people who think that the Bible has all the answers and who hate anyone who tries to think for themselves.”

Now there’s practically no implication that these people are typical. So that’s fine, right?

[…] How about “I hate black thugs who rob people”?

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I think the discomfort comes from being singled out by a characteristic.  Yes, there exist black people that are robbers.  In fact, even though it’s politically incorrect to mention, it is true that black people are more likely to rob someone than a white person.

So by someone saying they “hate black thugs who rob people”, they might be saying something true, but it’s still going to make black people uncomfortable because, statistics aside, they aren’t robbers and don’t like being lumped into the robber category just because of their skin color.

And that’s how “But Not All Black People Are Like That” became a meme.

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The same is true with feminism…

Feminists tend to talk about things like “Men tend to silence women and not respect their opinions” or “Men treat women like objects rather than people” or “Men keep sexually harassing women even when they make it clear they’re not interested”.

Put like that, it’s obvious why men might complain. But maybe some of the more sophisticated feminists say “Some men tend to silence women and not respect their opinions”. Or “Some men keep sexually harassing women even when they make it clear they’re not interested.”‘

[…But] even this weakened version would make lots of men really uncomfortable.

 Likewise, I feel as a man, or as a participant of the Greek system, I am being uncomfortably lumped in with these people, even though I am not one of them, just like the black person is being lumped into the category of “robber”.

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Of course, there’s certainly a lot of nuance to this…

Imagine you’re an atheist. And you keep getting harassed by the Westboro Baptist Church. Maybe you’re gay. Maybe you’re not. Who knows why they do what they do? Anyway, they throw bricks through your window and send you threatening letters and picket some of your friends’ funerals.

And you say “People! We really need to do something about this Westboro Baptist Church! They’re horrible people!”

And you are met by a wall of religious people saying “Please stop talking about the Westboro Baptist Church, you are making us look really bad and it’s unfair because not all religious people are like that.”

And you say “I really am not that interested in religion, I just want them to stop throwing bricks through my window.”

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When someone is upset at you and you don’t like how they’re being upset, it doesn’t work very well to complain about the way in which they are upset.  They deserve space to be rightfully upset.

Women are rightfully upset about harassment / ignoring / derailing / etc. that disproportionately come from men, especially men in the greek community.

I imagine this is how the feminist on the other side of the issue feels – they just want men to stop harassing them / ignoring them / writing things on Tumblr about them.  They get rightfully pissed off when the male comes back and complains about their feelings getting hurt, because it's all about them.

But at the same time, people in the inner-city are rightfully upset about robbing that comes disproportionately from black men.

People want to know why I’m uncomfortable discussing feminism despite agreeing 99.9% of the time with every matter of substance that has to do with feminism.

This is why.

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If I’m being a jerk or missing something important, please let me know.  I don’t want to be a jerk.